Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
