Just fell off a train. Bad.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
