you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
