I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
