she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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