I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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