maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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