all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
