my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
