I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
