Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
