he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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