You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
