How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
