mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
