In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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