did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
