Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
