i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
