Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
