You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
