"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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