there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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