we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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