He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
