As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
