You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
