Apparently you make a good broom.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
