Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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