Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
