He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
