Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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