does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
