and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
