I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
