I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
