Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
