I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i think i have two assholes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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