Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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