New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
