Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I accidentally burped into my bong.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
