we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
