Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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