tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
