tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
