The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
