She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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