your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
