I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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