I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
